My Business Is Crashing Weddings

Your breathing intensifies, each heartbeat a detonator exploding goosebumps into existence. With your hair standing on end, hormones course through your veins, adrenal secretions induce tunnel vision, mute hearing, and unsettle your stomach. Unrelenting, you’re paralysed, fear the demon. As anxiousness goes, you’re not alone, the public speaking poltergeist rampant in its torment: no more.

Mortified by the prospect, few events terrorise such as weddings, speeches the scourge. A time of celebration, weddings should be events where words are used to express emotions and thoughts–tools to publicly enliven personal meaning. These are opportunities to bare insight, honour friendship, and eulogise love, all shared through the prism of idiosyncratic experience. Our unique perspective flavours the wedding, spoken words seasoning the occasion. For a few precious minutes, the floor is yours, free to enthral and entertain, your address addition or subtraction. Yes, your charge is immense, lionising the bride(groom) but what a responsibility. Asked to present, your standing in the Pantheon of friendship is further validated, your position prestigious. That alone, confers weight, trusted to advocate for the betrothed, yet, anxiety rages, doubt malignant in its spread: combat the beast.

A week removed, the congratulations stream in, the bridegroom content in acceptance. Floating on post-wedding bliss, he’s married his soul mate, a complementary pairing in every way. This is Yin and Yang brought to life, the perfect balance of masculinity and femininity yet something strange has occurred, an unexpected continuation. Well-received on the night, speech commendations persist, our efforts (apparently) impactful. Three perspectives were shared; a joint effort from the groomsmen while the Maid of Honour flew solo. Woven together by a common thread, each presentation was distinct, offering glimpses into not only the newlyweds but also, the composer. With what level of confidence did they approach the microphone? How have they chosen to begin? Ad lib talking points or written and spoken? What has been revealed? How much thought has been given to what’s being shared? What type of words do they use? Have they engaged and connected with the audience? Is the message resonating? Are they emphasising points and varying speed of delivery? These observations offer but a glimpse of the traits invigorating the orator. How we express our thoughts reveals aspects of ourselves and in public speaking, this presents an invitation for judgement. Gripped by self-consciousness, the irrational takes hold, our every word abstracted but like anything, fear can be overcome, your mindset the key.

With the bridegroom’s blessing, I’ve chosen to share the speech I prepared, running you through how I conceived and constructed it. Intended as instructional assembly, I’ll walk you through my thought process, offering step-by-step guidance in how the techniques employed may aide not only your speechwriting but also, heighten confidence in public speaking. Yes, skill as a writer and orator is important but a less credentialed albeit prepared and emotionally invested individual speaking from the heart is a gold mine, one ripe for exploration. Let’s go prospecting.

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Friendship is an interesting thing because unlike the genetic bond shared among family, these are those we choose to invite in and invest in. Born in another city, a different country or some other time, we’d be ignorant to the existence of each other but for whatever reason, fate determined our paths should cross. Here, the sparks of destiny struck, drawing kindred spirits together, ensuring our experiences are meaningful and shared. That’s the psychotropic appeal of those we call friend.

The fire triangle illustrates three elements needed for a fire to ignite. When one looks back over the annals of history, a curious theme develops—iconic trios. The Holy Trinity, the Pyramids of Giza, the Magi, Larry, Curly and Moe, and the BLT—all fit together like hand in glove. Just now, you heard heartfelt, sentimental, and compelling words, an ode to Mark delivered by one of my oldest friends. In only the way a friendship lasting decades could, Vayios brightened and enriched my existence, a catalogue of shared memories our reward. Then, something unexpected happened—the arrival of the third component. If Vayios was the heat and I was the fuel, Mark was the oxidising agent, the final ingredient needed, breathing life into our fire.  

It’s uncanny how many times life presents gems hidden in plain sight yet here I am, at a wedding, about to espouse the wares of one. Before Vay and Mark intensified their relationship, I loosely knew the groom, mingling in similar sporting circles. Preoccupied with my own direction, he was barely acknowledged, one of the others. With the precision of a sledgehammer, Mark inserted himself in the equation, his upfront nature as cultured as a potato. Here’s the thing: listening heightens engagements while promoting considered assessments, and as the interesting opinions were shared and free-thinking conversations flowed, the irrevocable occurred: our values aligned and commonalities mounted. Suddenly, that harsh aura, it was sophisticated and refined—sincerity, authenticity, and truth animated Mark.

As I stand here before you, it’s with a degree of pride as I’ve had the privilege of not only Mark’s unwavering friendship but also, as an observer, marvelling at his personal growth. While the “ah mannnnn,” “ah shittttttt” or “whatttttttttt” reactions are unlikely to abate, being alert to the commitment the groom has made to being the best version of himself brings tremendous satisfaction. Yes, we have our special brand of childishness and yes, along with Vay, we plan on continuing our infantile ways but the want to be a better man and follow it through, how can one not have admiration for such an individual? When text message chimes sound more like a ringtone, a wry smile develops as it’s either something profound or an intense rant, both equally entertaining. Moreover, Vay and I have been privy to Mark’s journey to Mel, one putting Greek tragedies to shame.

Picasso with a wrench, here we are, at your wedding, exalting love. It was apparent early Mel was the one and as a mate, all you want is to see your friends happy; Mel, you’ve delivered that in spades. So, who is Mark Veron to me? He’s drunken group messages professing his love for Vay and I. He’s giggles on motorbikes as he cracks the throttle and wheelies away. He’s quiet moments of reflection where eye contact conveys enough. He’s someone whose empathy and thoughtfulness never fails to surprise. Intensely loyal, doggedly determined, and utterly unique, like Vay, you’ve brightened and enriched my existence, the tandem cum trio, each distinctively spicing the mix—Drumcode for life.  

Citing the wisdom shared by one of history’s great romantics, John Beckwith, better identified as Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, I leave with a final thought: “True love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.” In Mark and Mel, today, we celebrate those counterpoints.
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The Peak-end rule, serial-position effect, primacy effect, recency bias blah blah blah, one thing is certain: your introduction and conclusion make or break your speech. Your first impression, this is where you grab the bull by the horns, demanding the audience pays you their undivided attention. Like a well-written headline, your introduction must do two things: intrigue and direct. An unconventional opening, I made the decision to punch the audience in the face, capitalising on the event’s goodwill while subconsciously triggering personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions concerning friendship, their friendships. Immediately, a connection is built, personal associations creating a buy-in demanding their patronage. Moreover and less obvious, I’ve linked friendship, family, and personal investments, immediately establishing the pay-off. Here, I want people thinking that was interesting, where’s he taking this?

With the scene set, I turn to what may arguably be the speech’s most important paragraph, one designed to carry audience interest. In my experience, the lustre of a tremendous opening is lost if the second paragraph fails to build on expectation. When initially asked to speak, two concepts immediately materialised: the fire triangle and conclusion. In the fire triangle, everything I needed to describe related interactions was present. Also, this is the first attempt at injecting humour, lightening the mood for proceeding heavy commentary. Furthermore, laughter is disarming, helping those who may not be fully engaged relax into the speech. Importantly, I’ve reinforced the weight of friendship, acknowledging the personal importance of my joint groomsman (whose preceding speech made for awe-inspiring listening) to me, while strengthening our triumvirate with the recipe’s critical ingredient: the bridegroom. Moreover, I’ve planted a seed about the bridegroom, one I plan to reap later.

By now, the audience is one of two things: absorbed or disengaged. The notion this isn’t a typical wedding speech should be apparent, my penchant for storytelling advertised. Why have I chosen this format? Stories animate humanity’s primordial spirit, demanding listeners draw from their experiences and associations, and for blank spots, engage their imagination, personal ownership the key. Stories create the conditions for magic and in this speech, listeners are asked to inhabit my position, one of discovery. Here, I build on the preceding paragraph, surprise the object of my attention. How many times are we told ‘appearances can be deceiving‘ or ‘don’t judge a book by its cover?’ yet submit to such follies? In this regard, I’m no orphan and directly lambaste my prior self-absorption and lack of interest in the bridegroom. In doing so, I’ve set the conditions for elevation, beginning to reveal the depth and breadth of his personality. While I’ve had a little fun with the bridegroom in this paragraph, this is the first true revelation of our blossoming relationship–the genesis moment.

As I move into paragraph four, what comes next should feel inevitable. I’ve spent three paragraphs building to this point where now, it’s time to unshackle, hitting the adulation accelerator. Closing paragraph three with a poignant point, I support it by emphasising pride in observing the bridegroom’s personal growth because as universal concepts go, who doesn’t want to be the best version of themselves? Punctuating my earnestness and using the bridegroom’s recognisable intonation, a second jolt of humour is injected, the comedic crescendo. Why did I insert this quip here? I reasoned this was the last opportunity for play, and before pulling on heartstrings, a good laugh was required. Given the raucous reaction, my assessment proved correct. Unabashedly, the remainder of paragraph four begins linking concepts and sets up the penultimate paragraph, one where all my speech chips are pushed in and the harvest reaped.

The cupboard is left bare in the penultimate paragraph. Here, I celebrate husband and wife, acknowledging the importance of the bride’s influence on the bridegroom. While my task concerned lionising the bridegroom, given her prominence, it would be remiss not to recognise the bride. Six words carried tremendous weight and impact, that little else needed to be said. When delivering the line, eye contact with the bride was paramount, a message of love shared, the kind only found in a look, a smile, and nod of the head. Resting on the point ever so lightly, a little time was given for the gravity of the moment to percolate then, back to the bridegroom. Here, I touch on common associations linked with the him while dosing my own. These are his idiosyncrasies, things that immediately spring to mind when his name is mentioned. There’s no need to present a laundry list, keep it simple and straightforward. Moreover, my earlier commentary about the personal importance of my joint groomsman and the fire triangle, they were set-ups for this moment: conveying to the bridegroom his significance. Typically, I prefer to keep concepts universal, allowing the audience to associate but as relationships go, they’re inherently unique and to the bridegroom, I closed with a personally meaningful slogan; it drew the desired effect.

Introduction and conclusion–bookends one must arrest. Succeed in executing both, and your speech will be memorable–an enduring addition to wedding. There’s power in simplicity and for the climax, I wanted something clear, recognisable, and profound. If guests were to remember one thing about my speech, this would be it. This is the crescendo, one where given my observations of the newlyweds, substantiated an undeniable close. Taken from Wedding Crashers, this line vitalises the speech, capturing and communicating the essence of this friendship cum partnership cum marriage. It recognises the commitment two people are making to one-another, their lives woven together by an unbreakable bond. To me, the couple complement each other; there was no other way to end it.

Deconstructed and elucidated for your learning, five minutes of jam-packed wedding speech. With the anxiety anchor weighed, you’re free to explore, currents of meaning propelling you through wedding high seas. You don’t need to be Shakespeare, you don’t need to be Rowling, what you need to be is the person trusted with this task: be you, the authentic you.

Ten Instructions for a Wedding Speech

1. Never forget the purpose of your speech.
2. Speak from the heart: authenticity rules.
3. The secret is in preparation. Give yourself time and rehearse.
4. Your first draft should not be your final version. Edit, edit, edit, then edit some more.
5. Don’t be afraid to repurpose material found online but add your unique touch.
6. People will remember your introduction and conclusion: nail them.
7. Keep stories general, relatable, and clean. If you feel uneasy including something, errr on the side of caution and leave it out.
8. Don’t be afraid to vary sentence length, pace of delivery, and linger on important points.
9. Don’t waffle: hit your mark and move on.
10. Nobody wants you to fail or embarrass yourself; flip your mindset, enjoy the experience, and revel in the honour.

Bonus Instructions

1. If you’d like to colour your speech with vibrant words, keep an online thesaurus open in a separate tab and explore synonyms.
2. Leave fully engaging in wedding festivities until after you’ve delivered your speech. A drunk speech is a drunk speech.