A fiend lurking in the shadows, pain is an assault, a dastardly scoundrel crouching in ambush, eager to infect with unpleasant sensory and emotional experiences. Rejected by 23 different publishers, Frank Herbert persisted, Dune (1965) receiving the prestigious Hugo Award and inaugural Nebula Award for Best Novel, becoming the preeminent SciFi novel of our time. The now infamous “Does it have to be a whale?” rejection of Herman Melville’s literary masterpiece, Moby-Dick (1851), lives on in eternity. Twelve publishing houses deemed J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (1997) unworthy of publication, a brand now estimated to be worth anywhere between 25–40 plus billion dollars. Rejection is no impediment to ambition.
Difficulty is no stranger, my journey punctuated by its adversarial hand. Inflamed by intent, my constitution is one of determination, persistence inspiring improvement. Resignation is not in my nature, conation is. Four years of investment; every scrap of spare time dedicated to authoring my inner most thoughts, feelings, and communicating idiosyncratic experiences, glossed over by Australia’s major publication houses. Truthfully, I don’t blame them for who am I? With scant investment in social media and few followers, a small selection of sporadically shared personally branded pieces, and no published articles in literature journals, my name carries no literary weight, I haven’t proven commercial viability, and proof of reader interest is, at best, flimsy. Lauded in the corporate sector, my work never bares my name, ghost-writing and client content creation my obscure catalogue. Writing is my passion and to that end, it’s time for change.
2023 is my year of resolution. Over the past few years, I worked inordinate hours to service ambitious client (albeit necessary) COVID-19 deadlines, my focus narrowed, tunnel vision dominating in enterprise bliss. To that end, a commitment was made, the creative flame reignited, my want to express incurable. Have I begun addressing my unproven commercial presentation? Yes. Do I plan on circulating opinion pieces consistently? Affirmative. Will I be submitting to Australian literary journals? You bet. Am I looking to establishing credibility and improve my writing skills? Undoubtedly. Sharing lofty goals publicly carries risk but I’m not a person to shy away from something–I meet challenges head on. With that in mind, I write to ask readers a favour. Below, I’ve shared one paragraph from each chapter in my draft memoir cum autobiography cum philosophy manuscript (I appreciate contextual understanding may be difficulty), my intention being staking thematic concepts covered, exhibiting my writing style, revealing the provocative nature of my story, and publicly collecting reader feedback. Nothing is taboo, honesty requested. If my style presents as high-brow, state it. If an opinion shared appears nonsensical, tell me. If a topic carries no personal interest, pierce me. If you don’t like anything I have to share, criticise me. If you believe someone may grasp the opportunity to critique my work, please, share it with them. While unusual, my want to understand and improve is excruciating, your contribution to the process immeasurable–I thank you.
I have no fear of pain, I embrace it and open myself to you; hit me with your best shot.
Chapter 01 – Introduction
“Life has not worked out as I had planned but that’s neither unusual nor unique, how it unravelled, on the other hand, is. One minute, you’re standing on the precipice of doing something great, the next, contemplating which tree will best support your weight. Humanity never ceases to amaze, the experience of life resolute in its ability to surprise. Whether treachery or fidelity, happiness or sadness, optimism or pessimism, sources of inspiration and obstruction materialise from the unexpected, flavouring our experiences and colouring life. Good or bad, there’s no escaping the rodeo but our attitude toward the bull is pivotal, our approach to the ride definitive. The ultimate experiment, nature meets nurture, our lives testing the hypothesis, our lives an entry in the book. Let me introduce you to mine.”
Chapter 02 – Sport
“Space and time are irrelevant, earthly cares evaporate leaving nothing but intention and focus. You’re a picture of calm and clarity, concentrated energy inhabiting an ephemeral moment. Endorphins permeate your being; execution validates your existence. Once you develop a taste for it, you want and need more. That fleeting moment, it’s intoxicating—it’s addictive.”
Chapter 03 – Support
“We are the sum of our experiences, and these episodes left an indelible impression. In the 1984 comedy, Revenge of the Nerds, Poindexter (Timothy Busfield) asks, “Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilisation or during its decline?” During my ascendancy, doors were opened, support availed, and opportunities presented yet during my decline, I became radioactive, a specimen to be isolated and quarantined. When help and support is most needed, it’s found lacking, and the depressing reality of an athlete’s career arrives: you were only ever a commodity.”
Chapter 04 – Accusation
“The mind is an audacious piece of evolution. It synthesises mathematical genius, conceives artistic expression, and initiates imagination. It can act as a source of infinite wisdom and strength or a demon poisoning your existence. Sealed in that holding cell, for five days, my mind wondered, how many diabolical individuals have I shared this pen with? How many monsters sat right where I am? In a moment of disgust, it dawned on me: the prosecution was attempting to prove I was one of those beasts.”
Chapter 05 – Beliefs & Ideologies
“Faith-based belief systems create moral, philosophical, social, and cultural dilemmas in that religion, in all its shapes and forms, has been used as a battering ram, unleashing untold physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual damage, the carnage massacring innocents yet contemporaneously providing meaning and purpose, promoting community, encouraging mindfulness, suggesting orderly conduct, offering guidance, and progressing charitable and social pursuits. In my estimation, religion reflects good and bad, a mechanism for shackling and emancipating humanity. Atrocities committed in the name of religion cannot be separated from pleasantry performed in the name of religion. While antithetical, they function under the same banner adhering to the same cause. Therein lies the problem with any belief system—they are open to interpretation. One infers literal, the other metaphorical, anomalous meaning delivering disparate teachings, actions, and outcomes. Injecting its own brand of complexity, comprehension further complicates the matter, varying degrees of intellect affecting understanding. Ultimately, it has to be determined if faith-based belief systems give more than they take from humanity, a question worth considering.”
Chapter 06 – Relationships
“In an era of shameless self-promotion, self-indulgence, and self-absorption, an ironic yet erroneous assumption confuses relationships; the idea you should love others more than yourself. Selflessness, unconditional love, magnanimity, and all manner of charitable traits are professed by many yet in civilisations worshipping greed, vanity, and ostentation, how does one find, develop, and achieve balance? What priority is given to realising without first loving, respecting, understanding, and valuing him or herself, one cannot properly present and freely give their best self to others? A few considerations come into question: philosophical, emotional, psychological, cultural, social, and so on yet with paradoxical messaging dominating the landscape, how does one separate and scrutinise conceit and humility, pomposity and unpretentiousness, narcissism and self-effacing? The obvious question is what does all of this have to do with relationships? Intention.”
Chapter 07 – Storytelling
“Stories occupy a prominent position in my life. They have been teachers transferring knowledge and encouraging critical thinking, instruments to enliven imagination, excursions into the depths of depravity, time machines cultivating the past, culturing the present, and seeding the future, an avenue to express meaning, excursions in differing experiences and perspectives but most of all, as long as we attempt to define the human condition and make sense of existence, the power of story lies in the emotional connection you make with it; what it uniquely means to you.”
Chapter 08 – Masculinity
“Protect, provide, perform. The triumvirate on which society constructed its expectations of men, is manifestly innate. In the infamous Google memo, James Damore cites reputable scientific studies supposing gene-directed biology (in part) explains behavioural differences between the sexes. Search engines index a catalogue of comparable (and replicable) studies, creating a compelling narrative. Undoubtedly, socialisation is an important component, but survival demands placed on our ancestors necessitated physiological and psychological reactions—evolution responded. On average, taller, heavier, stronger, and more physically aggressive, being combative brought significant advantages. Today’s God-like veneration of male sporting elite testifies to the point.”
Chapter 09 – Sexuality
“For one reason or another, humanity has determined a person’s sexual orientation is of importance. Why? If a compatible organ donor, one with the power to save your life is of a different persuasion, would you reject the gift and gamble waiting for a more ‘suitable’ altruist? Are you willing to disown progeny because of their sexual preference? Does the discussion complicate with the introduction of bisexuality? Oscar Wilde, Davie Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Hans Christen Anderson, and Marlon Brando are acknowledged (by various outlets) as supposed bisexual celebrities, should we think lesser of them and their accomplishments because of their inclination? Of all possible characteristics, why is sexuality viewed as defining, one with the power to elicit disgust and hate? Is it religious doctrine/scripture, lines of succession, sociocultural or something innate?”
Chapter 10 – Drugs
“A rush of euphoria pulses through your body, an explosion of such ferocity, atomic reactions pale in significance. The senses are overwhelmed, each reaction more intense and brilliant than the last. You’re in the grip of a transcendent experience, a spiritual happening. As exhilaration and bliss surge through your veins, you’re teleported, the celestial plane your destination. Welcome to Wonderland.”
Chapter 11 – Mental Health
“There’s nothing fashionable about mental illness. It’s not a badge of honour, an artful boast or a safety blanket excusing anti-social behaviour. It’s an unrelenting and tormenting battle with despair, a crusade for your daily existence. Your mind betrays you and your body reacts. Tension courses through your veins, every part of your being molested by strain. Inexorable and unyielding, there’s no spectre of hope, only a desolate wasteland of anguish and sorrow.”
Chapter 12 – Finances
“In a world of (seemingly) endless bills, insurance premium explosions, council rates hikes and spending malfeasance, money quickly evaporates. Wielding fiscal prudence and commanding basic financial acumen aren’t optional, they’re essential. By and large, people seek the dignity of work but earning money is one quarter of the battle, spending, saving, and investing, the others. Life is competition and without an elementary understanding of terms, conditions, concepts, habits, options, and pressures affecting your financial position, outside of a freak accumulation of wealth event, you’re encouraging an adverse personal pecuniary predicament.”
Chapter 13 – Education & Learning
“Thus far, this chapter may not have reached the storytelling heights of others but how does one quantify the value of a support act, one that you had no intention of following nor particularly enjoy, but having shown a professional aptitude for and identified a niche consulting opportunity, chartered a business and forged a career in? The dignity of work should be celebrated, recognition one is contributing to society and most certainly, I’m not the first nor last person living through collapsed dreams, the sobriety of necessity a universal human experience. In my family alone, my father’s preference was Physical Education teacher where my maternal grandfather’s wish was to become a professional winemaker. Circumstance intervened requiring both walk different paths. This leads to wondering how many are fortunate to live life as they choose or are we billions of cases of dealing (as best we can) with what we’re dealt? How does one reject the longing for what should have been favouring being grateful for what is? Given injustices suffered by others, my plight seems comical, the bitter lament of a never was but, is that not a lesson that should be observed—dealing with disappointment, solving problems as they arise, appreciating what you have, and continuing the march forward, the prospect of a better tomorrow inviting? As fate would have it, the pairing of education with circumstance conferred such an opportunity.”
Chapter 14 – Politics
“Why choose to discuss an antagonistic subject? A person’s political persuasion contributes to how they think, view, and interact with the world, a means to express aspects of one’s social identity but in broader societal context, it demonstrates ranked priorities voters ask elected officials and public servants to solve. One isn’t born clutching their political manifesto, it develops over time. As a person’s experiences grow, influences impress, and learning evolves, our disposition emerges. How mine germinated is telling in that it appears to reveal how I think, view, and interact with the world.”
Chapter 15 – Personal Evolution
“A brutal mercenary or stirring force, introspection is an agent of chaos, a power resurrecting demons or inspiring action. It is the examination of your thoughts and feelings, a powerful tool capable of enriching self-awareness however, a caveat must be applied—when applied poorly, introspection may prove ruinous, fixating subjects on supposed imperfections, inadequacies, and incendiaries. When used properly, introspection spurs understanding, illuminates insights, and progresses learning, all working to stimulate growth however, it’s important to understand personal evolution isn’t painless, it’s complicated, challenging, and confronting—an expedition in actuality. My disposition tends toward contemplation—consideration of thoughts, ideas, and alternatives which is why Bertrand Russell’s “In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted,” words strike a chord. Given my history in elite sport, introducing and applying self-improvement measures should seem straightforward but ego, ignorance, and stubbornness are difficult adversaries, none willing to go gentle into that good night. Changing ingrained beliefs and personal prejudices requires accepting you may be wrong, arousing openness and consideration of possible alternatives however, it’s considerably easier to describe the process opposed to overhauling a lifetime of socialisation, resplendent in all its dogmas.”
Chapter 16 – Conclusion
“Life is a paradox, a phenomenon defined by its complements and contradictions. Powerful and fragile, sensible and stupid, lost and found—existence antagonises through duality, the capacity to think, feel, and act in variegated ways indispensable. From the moment of conception until our final breath, we are party to a gift, one of such value we suffer intolerable pain and cruelty not only to preserve our own, but to protect the sanctity of others. We are a unique species living extraordinary lives; mine is such a tale.”